On Death

Today my Aunt Viola passed away. I was asleep in my bed and my big son Jovan came into my room with tears in his eyes and told me to wake up! It was important! One of our cousins called to tell him that Aunty has died. Jovan turned to leave the room as if he didn't want me to see him crying, but I called him back only to be at a loss of words. He asked me what I wanted and I could only shake my head and say "Never mind." Since the accident on Monday when I suffered my first and I hope, only concussion, thoughts seem to travel at slow motion through my mind and this was no different. I knew what I had heard and understood what I had heard, but the words had not quite settled into my heart, and therefore I wasn't feeling anything yet. It was as if my soul was outside my body looking in.
My Aunty was my second mom. As far back as I can remember I knew her and was around her and my counsins. She had four girls and later a son and we all grew up together. I lived with my aunt on several occasions, aside from spending numerous weekends and holidays at her house. She and my mom were very close. They came from a split, abusive family and I think that's why they remained so close right up until my mothers passing several years ago. I always admired my Aunty because she was a strong, smart, kick-ass, hard drinking, hard fighting, gregarious, hard working, God fearing, proud Black woman who led her family with an iron fist until she could not longer be herself. That is a totally different story. In any event, my Aunty was my Shero, (female for hero).I have so many memories of how she was and what she did and the things she would say and the time we spent together and the times we didn't spend together.
Death is a funny thing. If you are the one left behind, it forces you to grapple with the good memories, as well as the regrets. The things you did, the things you wanted to do and the things you should have done, but didn't. How do you fit all that into a lifetime? Its a tall order even for the most ambitious of individuals. Today I am one of many left behind to mourn the loss of my aunt in my own way. I don't like death. I never have. Yes, I am afraid of dying and no, I don't want to die, but I do know that it is inevitable. I was raised initially as a Catholic to believe that when you die you either go to Heaven, Hell or Purgatory, which is between Heaven and Hell. If you end up in Purgatory, you have a 50/50 chance of going to Hell or Heaven. Then as I read the Bible more and went to various Black, Hell fire and Brimstone churches, I was taught that if I didn't get saved, I was going to Hell. By the time I was ten, I was a full blown sinner; swearing, smoking, stealing and drinking, so I figured my fate was sealed. Hell here I come. Well my spiritual journey is another story.
I also met Death for the first time, when I was ten. I remember it like it was yesterday. I lived primarily with my Mom on the weekdays and my Dad and his wife and her three kids on the weekends. So one weekend I was at my Dad's and my step brother and I had eaten bread upstairs after being told not to eat upstairs in the bedrooms. I ate mine, he left his. He lied and we both got spankings. My Daddy never spanked me. I was his Princess, his only child, his Little Girl. So that evening I was taking a bath and crying, saying "I hate you!" over and over. My stepmother heard me and came into the bathroom and told me that I should not say such a mean thing. The next day I was still angry with my Dad and left without saying much. That would be the last time I would see him alive. Later that week, I was sitting at the kitchen table doing homework and the phone rang. I felt a cold, icy wave rush over me. My mother answered it, said Hello, listened and started crying and screaming. I knew it was about my Daddy. He was dead. He had Hotchkins Disease. I did not even know he was sick. My father was my hero. He was a war veteran, an award winning, truck driver and one of the first Black people to own home in the Whitneyville section of Hamden. He drove a sporty, gray Mustang, drank Johnny Walker Red, listened to the best, classic soul music and had a smile that could light up New York City. How could he be dead? I miss my Daddy to his day and would drink and drug over my loss for many years. I felt guilty over being angry with him and saying those cruel words over a piece of bread. I would never get the chance to make that right.
I have been in the company of Death many times since that day and I have come to realize that for those who die, it is final. This is not the time or place to discuss reincarnation or the soul living outside the body, but as far as the person I knew, that person is gone. As someone being left behind to grieve, it is horrible. While this may sound selfish, it is not meant to be, just real. Grief takes many forms and has no statute of limitations. I must find the will to be selfless and share the burden of others pain. I should celebrate the life of the person who passed and let my heart be filled with happy memories of the moments we shared. I can feel relief in knowing that my loved one no longer has to suffer and is hopefully in a better place. I can also be angry and curse God for taking these people from me. I can wallow in my own self pity and grow resentful over my loss. I might even withdraw from the world like a wounded animal and hibernate until I can heal from my injuries. I can lock away my feelings, vowing never to care that much again so that I don't have to feel this way again. I can also realize that I don't determine what I feel or for how long or to what degree, only how I can act upon what I feel. In other words, I have no control over what I feel only what I do with those feelings and that being part of the human race means that I am going to experience these emotions like it or not, until of course, I die.

My Billboard Music Awards 2013 Moments

It started with a BANG! Bruno Mars never disappoints. Its funny because when I first saw him a few years ago singing with the other guy about being a millionaire, I dismissed him as another flash in the pan. (I know old lingo. It means all spark and no substance.) Over the last couple of years, Bruno Mars has solidified himself as a real musician, songwriter and star. He sings, he dances, he plays instruments. Bruno Mars reminds me of artists of previous decades who actually wrote and played their music on instruments.
I know, like everyone else I am a Taylor Swift fan. While I don't own any of her music. I like her talent. She is consistent and constantly evolving. I thought her performance was bright, lively and well choreographed. She knows how to engage her audience and never forgets to thank her fans. Starting backstage and dancing her way out was fabulous and a standout performance. She is one of the few female artists her age, who is an actual musician and has not yet resorted to stripping down to get and keep attention.
Prince was epic!!! From his afro to his 60's garb, to his messages of humanity, to his all girl band and blistering guitar riffs, Prince not only shut it down, he blew it up. There was nothing like it on the Billboard Awards or any any other award show in recent history that I can remember. Prince gave notice to the world. Anyone that thought he was done is sadly mistaken. Prince burst on the stage like a rainbow after a ravaging storm spreading musical light on a world plagued by artificial "artism".
I was mortified to see that one of the few African American females to perform was Nicki Minaj. Not that I have anything against her. She is also very talented, but like so many young, female artists, she uses her body as her primary source of communication. Her Billboard performance consisted of giving a lapdance to another artist on stage. It is hard to hear the music when she is constantly pushing her butt at the camera. Once in a while, it can work, but not all the time.  
Justin Bieber was just sad. Over the past few years, it seems as if he has gone from being a fresh, talented, rising star to a spoiled, crazed, cookie cutter brat who is losing it in front of the whole world. His lip synced performances in 1980's MC Hammer pants were almost too much to bare. His plea for understanding when he got the Billboard award was atrocious. If you are what you say you are, you don't need to ask anyone to accept that, as long as you believe it.
 Kid Rock said it best when he came out to present. "Lets hear it for lip syncing".
 I would love to see a nationally broadcast Indie Music award show. I could go on, but I will end saying that all this makes for good ratings and great blogs.

How to survive change without losing your mind.

I know, you're probably thinking, where the heck has she been? This blogging is no easy task when you're working, in school full time or have a family. I admire those dedicated bloggers who can spend hours at at time on line writing. Kudos to you!!! I not only wanted my blog to be timely, but interesting, so I didn't just throw crap on the wall to see what stuck.
What I have found is that people who can afford to, have a team or at least an assistant whose job it is to manage these sites; Twitter, Facebook, Myspace, various blogs and of course the ever important artist website, not including the emails and gig submissions. I am tired just thinking about it. I don't have an assistant yet. I wish I did, but enough about me.
This past year has been jam packed with change and I have barely had a chance to catch my breathe. From playing my first show at the famed Bitter End in NYC to seeing my grandson born to experiencing numerous firsts with my 12 year old boy and learning how to juggle 4 classes at once. I reunited with my ex husband for the gazilionth time, only to have the straw that breaks the camels back permanently kill my love for him forever. That is a whole nother story. I tried to meet someone on MATCH and POF only to feel terribly disappointed at the lack of realism and desire of many to actually communicate with someone. It reminded of some of the guys I met during my clubbing days, who would act interested, take my number and never call or give me their number and were never available to talk. Meeting someone seemed so much easier then. It seems that people talk less in person and sometimes hide behind the wall of the Internet to avoid intimacy. I lost over 20 pounds and finally started feeling happy about the way I looked. I started walking daily with my new dog and using my Iphone to track my food and exercise. I took a health class that required me to journal about my health goals. I developed carpal tunnel syndrome and came to know pain on a daily basis. I know I need surgery and that's a whole nother story. My daughter and my grands moved back to Orlando and I wanted to go with them. My car broke down three times and for what I spent I could have put a down payment on a new car. I interned for NBC and finished my documentary. I could go on, but I think you get the idea. Change, change, change.
Change causes us to have a host of emotions from ecstasy to anguish. Making us want to run and hide or jump for joy. Change can make us want to lose our minds if we don't keep it in perspective. Many of us don't do change well because it can be uncomfortable and cause stress. It can be easy to be positive when things are going good. The challenge is to be positive to when things aren't going good. Change does not have to be painful. We are in a constant state of change from our skin flaking off to our blood moving through our veins, to the air we breath, nothing stays the same. Its is not what happens to us, but how we deal with it. I say we because I am but one cog in the wheel of humanity and besides misery loves company. Change forces us to move a muscle, a thought, sometimes both to adjust our perspective on what is taking place in our lives. Sometimes denial is the first response, like "I can't believe this is happening". The impact of the change or changes can feel so overwhelming that it take us completely by surprise and this can manifest itself in a variety of ways. Very often changes happen so quickly that we feel unprepared and ill equipped to handle all these changes at once. We become mentally, physically and emotionally overloaded regardless to whether the changes are good or not so good. This type of overload can cause us to make bad decisions and react to external forces.
Surviving change without losing our minds is a conscious effort that requires forethought and  preparation. Change is inevitable and believing this wholeheartedly allows us to see change for what it really is, a byproduct of living. As long as we live and breath we are in a constant state of change, like it or not. I was not always to clear on this. Almost thirty years ago I got some really good advice that changed the way I saw life at that time. What's nice about life is that the longer you live, hopefully you have many, what Oprah calls "Ah ha moments" and this was one of many to come and many more yet to be. I didn't do change well at all and my friend gave me three rules that have helped me to handle change. One, everything happens for a reason and out of everything comes good. Secondly, everyone is subject to change. Lastly, anything is possible.
These three rules have helped to understand change in all its forms. I hope they help you too.

Shadow in New York 2012

What Makes Me Sick!!!

Here is my top 10 list of what makes me sick. Enjoy.
1.  When people say one thing and do something another.
 Say what you mean and mean what you say. Man or girl up!
2.  When people pretend to be something they aren't, but won't do the work to become who they want me to believe that they are.
My Dad always said whatever you are be the best at it, be proud. If you are a lazy bum, be the best authentic, lazy bum you can be.
3.  When people tell me what they think I want to hear because they don't have the desire, energy or guts to be honest.
Is is really that important to lie? Just don't share your opinion.
4.  The US political system.
I could go on for ever. It has been corrupt from the beginning of the development of the system and we can expect that it is going to get worse, or at the very least remain the same, so we better stop looking to the government for a real way out. The only real, long term way to overcome is through ingenuity, hard work, prayer and determination because the government isn't going to do it for us.
5.  Dream Killers. Those who have a million reasons why something will fail or can't be done. Yet these are the same people who aren't doing anything.
I avoid them like the plague.
6.  Hunger and poverty. How can those who hoard massive wealth sleep at night knowing that there are people living in America who are needlessly hungry and/or living in poverty. How much money is enough? Why is anyone in America hungry?
Desperation breeds innovation. Get some seeds and grow some food in a public place.
7.  I can't. I think this is the first biggest cop out on the planet. "I can't" gets us off the hook for any and everything. Certainly there are things beyond our control, humans do not have wings and cannot fly to the moon, but barring the obviously impossible, many use "I can't" because they are too lazy to do what they can. I don't believe in "I can't".
8.  People who mistreat each other. Whether it is abuse, bullying, or any other kind of mistreatment, it is just wrong and unfortunate. While we can justify anything, I think it is harder to be mean and hidious than it is to be nice, why not be nice. Life is so much better when we love each other.
9.  Phony Christians. While I am aware that you don't have to be a Christian to be phony, phony Christians have left a bad taste in my mouth over the years. I am also painfully aware of how human we all are and no one is perfect, but being a Christian myself, I can honestly say that I know how important it is for me to let my inner light shine so that others can see the God in me. I don't smile in your face one minute and then snub you the next. I know that we are all children of the King and so "clickism"
(Being part of a group or crew that doesn't let outsiders in), is not demonstrating love. Being human is not an excuse for exhibiting behavior that we know is not Christian like. Too many Christians judge each other and form opinions that have no basis. If Jesus only showed love to his crew, he never would have died for our sins.
10.  The American Love Affair with Fame. It seems that now more that ever people will do anything to become famous from shooting firecrackers out their behinds on a Youtube video to paying thousands of dollars to sham artists to learn how to become a successful reality television star. This is a purely, young white path to success that requires only physical beauty and a potty mouth. Everywhere I look all I see are people being pimped and pimping themselves out to the highest bidder for 15 minutes of fame. Its not even about being rich. Its about being famous. Americans love fame and it seems that it is more important to be famous than it is to anything else.
I have no conclusions, just observations that truly make me sick.

Its been a long time and I apologize for the lag in blogging, but I have been busy with school full time, an 11 year old son and his graduation from elementary school to middle school, big kids, grand kids, transitioning back into the workforce, trying to be single and relearning how to mingle. Ha, ha, ha. I am happy to report that my life is full and always exciting.

In the coming months, I hope to reengage my readers and reestablish what I see as a meaningful form of communication that is inspirational and motivational. 

Communication or Isolation?

I often wonder what many of the innovators of communication technology were thinking as they laid the groundwork for the World Wide Web or tackled the complexities of wireless communication. Today it seems that entire existences are built around the Internet. The way we communicate with each other has seemingly resorted to how we communicate at each other
I remember hearing of the World Wide Web back in the early 1990's. It seems as if it has been around for ever, but no. In 1999 I moved into an apartment on Dixwell Avenue in New Haven. I had been living with a friend of mine for several months and was overjoyed to have my own place again. At the top of my wish list was an exercise bike and a computer. I never owned owned a a computer, but I had taken a class in high school. I used computers in school and at the library, so I was familiar with the importance of computing. I was also painfully aware of the debate raging between the "haves" and the " have nots" that most poor people could not afford the Internet and/or a home computer. By not having the find of access to the information and opportunities that the World Wide Web presented only broadened the economic divide.
People like Bill Gates and Steve Jobs worked diligently to change this. At the time, the cost of a personal computer was about $1,000 and Internet access was a dial up modem which was about $50 a month. This was out of reach for me and most everyone else I knew, so as soon as I could, I rented one, Ah, the golden age of Colortyme! The ability to buy what ever your heart desired from appliances to furniture to electronics for a "low monthly payment." I knew it was paying almost double, but to me me it was worth it to me to have access to the world. My first computer was a Compaq Presario with all the bells and whistles; Microsoft platform, AOL web and email. I loved it! I remember the day the Colortyme man came to and set up my computer like it was yesterday. I used it mainly for exploring the Internet and word processing. It would be a couple of years before I set up an email account. My dive into the seas of online communication was done one foot at a time.
I remember when cellphones first came out. They were big and bulky and were carried in a case. No one I knew had one because they were so expensive. Cellphones, like personal computers and cocaine were only afforded by the rather well to do. Pagers came shortly thereafter. I had only seen those on television in doctor shows. I remember getting my first pager. I still have it. I never know when I might need it. It seems like so long ago. I would pay my bill at my favorite pawn shop and I felt like I was really connected! It would be at least a couple of years before I go my first cellphone. By now they were portable, no case, no wires and they fit in the pocketbook. the deposit was outrageous. Most companies wanted $100 to $300 up front and a mandatory 2 year contract. I thought this was ridiculous and opted to stay with my pager. I was approached constantly by well meaning sales people. I was not that interested. Until one day I was entering Sam's Club and a man approached me and assured me that he
could get me a cell phone for a $50 deposit. I was skeptical. I told him "If you can do it, I'll sign up." I left him with my license to run my credit and I went shopping. By the time I was done, the salesman had secured me a cell phone. It has been several years since that fateful day and I am now considered a valued customer of T-Mobile with unlimited minutes.
Now,  everyone has a cellphone. I got my 11 year old son his first cellphone when he was 8. Needless to say, that was a bad idea because he wasn't responsible enough to take care of it. While he is able to manage a Smart phone like a pro, he still leaves his phone in his pants. Today I consider myself a veteran of the "computer age" and I maneuver the Internet with ease. I multimanage several on line email, website and social networking accounts; Reverb Nation, Facebook, Yahoo, my website; www.d-o-music.com,  my blog; www.thedigitaloverdose.blogspot.com, my video station DivaShadow on Youtube and a host of sites that I visit regularly. I also search for and research the latest and greatest tricks and tools to promote Indie music, videos and artists.
In spite of all this outreach, I don't feel more connected to other people. While the Internet is vast and never tires of activity, it lacks the immediate, personal touch of another human being. Even with the addition of Skype and Cisco. I do not wait with baited breath for emails, texts or tweets. Nor have I set up a Twitter account. I actually struggle to keep up with all the Spam and often unrelated conversations that take place on Facebook continuously. I check my email for specific things. I post to Facebook for specific reasons; to promote a show, sell something or to find someone. I don't play with Farm Animals  or answer questions about other friends. Occasionally I send hugs, but I generally don't engage in discussions on line. I prefer to talk to people in person or on the phone, I prefer the intimacy of a human voice, the look on someone's face or the sound of their laughter. I think that communication technology is extremely beneficial in how we function, communicate, do business and learn. It can enrich us or deplete us; free us or enslave us. Communication technology is meant to enhance our ability to communicate, not to replace the ways we communicate. It is a choice, not a requirement of communication. When we lose sight of what communication technology is, we can easily lose touch with what we are.